Amazing! This is my view as I sit on my front porch. One of my favorite things, a pink dogwood tree. It started blooming about two weeks ago and I think I would have missed really seeing its beautiful if God had not slowed me down.

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It has been a long time coming. Emotions finally erupting to the surface. The end of my first round of chemotherapy. Shaving my head. Buying a wig. Glancing at a scar. A growing belly. Little girl kicks. A miracle inside me. Living life with cancer while waiting in great expectation for the birth of our little girl. We have about 7 weeks before we joyfully meet Eleanora Hope! We have a name…Eleanora means bright or radiant one….this is our prayer for her. That she will know Jesus and be so consumed with His love that she is radiant and filled with Hope. We plan on calling her El and her two big sister can’t wait to meet her. Rem is excited to play ball with her.

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A Belated Merry Christmas! The joy of Jesus’ birth means every day is a celebration so maybe I am not late is wishing Merry Christmas. Christmas night Derek concluded that it was our best Christmas ever. He could only say those words because of the Hope that Jesus birth brings not to mention the complete joy on our kids faces as they opened gifts.

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I have been a little angry. Not wanted to move from my anger. Stuck and kind of liking it. Knowing that I have so many reasons not to be in this place but having a struggle to move on. Not wanting to brush over the feelings but knowing it is time to move foward.

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Children truly are a gift of God. Each one reflects Christ in a way that is unique to them. We have been so blessed to have 3 healthy children and have been eagerly discussing what the new little one is, girl or boy. Madi was hoping for a boy so that both she and Abi would have a prince when they played princesses. Abi just loves babies. All Rem wants is to throw the ball to the dog.

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I love Sunday and I am so grateful for our church. The opportunity to sing praises to the King. To hear the truths of the gospel, the good news. I needed to hear this morning, yearning for the truths to wash over my heart. To break the bread and drink the wine; to be reminded of his broken body and his cleansing blood. To hear the story again.

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The heartbeat of our little one. A clear liver. Gifts from above. Seven days. I asked my oncologist for one more week. The need to have a little more peace, to wrap my heart around what lies ahead. She said I could have one more week but then we need to start chemotherapy. MORE

The largest organ inside the body. This is what the ultrasound tech said as I was lying on the hospital bed early Monday morning. I glanced at the screen to see what my liver looked like….not at all what I expected. MORE

Highs and lows. Laughter and tears. Thursday was hugging day but also the day we met with our oncologist to talk about the treatment plan. I have been focused on hugging day, getting the last drain out, dancing with the girls wrapped around me. Long little girls legs encircling me. Snuggling Rem gently to my chest. Derek’s arm enfolding me. The drain came out! What a joy it was to have all of the many touches! But it was also such a hard day, a letting go day, holding my hands open to a new path. A rollercoaster day.

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I went to bed singing this song and woke up still sing! I could not quite remember all the words…oh what an encouragement this beautiful, old hymn is to me.

All the way my Savior leads me, what have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt his tender mercy, who through life has been my guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort, here by faith in him to dwell:
For I know, what-e’er befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.

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What a sweet day for our family! A dear friend and her 2 little girls came to the house to plant bulbs. To bury hope down deep. She brought daffodils and iris bulbs, she talked about burying the bulbs down deep. As spring comes and the sun warms the ground; hope rises! I sat on my porch with tears in my eyes. Her visit was a gift.
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In the morning when I rise, in the moring when I rise, in the morning when I rise, give me Jesus.

These are the words from a song by Fornado Ortega that I often sing to the girls at bedtime. Words that are becoming more real to me as the first light of dawn comes in each morning. I need Jesus. First and foremost. I preach this to the girls, the need for Jesus. In and of themselves, it is impossible to be kind to your sister, to obey your parents, to serve around the house. I tell them that it is only because Jesus died, rose, and is seated at His Father’s right hand that there is any hope. He has done all the work and called us to himself. Preach the gospel to myself daily before I preach it to my children.
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I awoke this morning to the sound of my dog barking and my chest throbbing in pain. The clock read 5:30. I slowly rolled out of bed, stomped quietly down the hallway, out the back door, yelled at my dog, feed him and shut him in the garage. Slowly, walked back to my bed, took a pain pill and lay back down. Not feeling much hope or joy in this journey. Not sensing the presence of the Lord. Shed a few tears and thankfully went back to sleep.

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“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” John 1:1
“And God said,”Let there be light,” and there was light.” Genesis1:3

The power of the Word! God spoke and all creation came into being. Jesus is the Word. We get to hold God’s written, inspired word. Words are so strong, so important, so powerful! So many of you have written such beautiful, true words of encouragement to me. I thank you. Your words have been hope to me, reminders for me of the endless truths of Jesus! Your words have brought tears and laughter, have lifted me up to the heights; what gifts I have been given by all the written words! Thank you, thank you for the many words!

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Madi, Abi, and Rem came home today! I have so missed them but have been so very grateful to recover at home in the quiet with just Derek. They were having the time of their lives at BB and Tigger’s (my Mom and Dad) house with cousins and aunts and uncles. My family is quite amazing, sure a little wild, but truly I am blessed.
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On Oct. 20, 2003, Derek got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife……now 8 years later we have experienced all the things we said in our vows. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, and now in sickness and health. God has given us amazing grace for each part of the journey and we can see His gracious hand holding us as we go down this new path.

Oct. 21, 2011, Derek, Mom, and I went to the hospital for my mastectomy. I was first prepped for the lymph node scan and then went to pre-op. The staff at Memorial hospital is amazing, every nurse I encountered was kind and spoke about how wonderful my surgeon is. The peace that I felt as they were getting me ready could only come from the many prayers of my family and friends.
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